Drunk Dialing
by xDisgraceful Avengerx
Summary: A drunken Haymitch decides to have a little fun by prank-calling the other Hunger Games characters! Complete and total crack-fic. Warning for cussing. CURRENT HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**Have fun, readers!**

**Summary: A drunken Haymitch decides to have a little fun by prank-calling the other Hunger Games characters! Complete and total crack-fic.**

* * *

Haymitch was drunk.

Not just drunk. _Drunk _drunk. And people have a tendency to do very strange things when they're drunk. Now, you'd think Haymitch would be an exception, seeing as he is ALWAYS drunk and most eccentricities seem to happen while he's sober. But not tonight. Tonight he had business.

Katniss was one ungrateful little sweetheart, who, worst of all, hated drinks. So, he figured it was time to get her back.

Picking up the phone, he typed n the number of Katniss and Peeta's house.

Unfortunately, it was Peeta who answered.

Haymitch decided to roll with it.

"Hello, sir! Congratulations, you are about to be the proud winner of two free cruise tickets!"

"Sweet! and I didn't even know I'd entered!" Peeta said.

"Remember, ma'am, this interview is live on 96.8, the ONLY ALL POP RADIO STATION! Answer the questions right, and you get the prize? First question; The Ass-Bow. Fashion statement, or mating call?"

"...Haymitch? Are you-" Peeta started.

"Correct! Next question! How many of you does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Haymitch continued.

"Twenty-four?" Peeta asked hesitantly.

"Correct! And now...

"Peeta? Who is that?" Katniss's voice sounded from the other end of the line.

"96.8!" Peeta said excitedly.

Katniss picked up the phone, looking at the caller ID. "Hello, Haymitch."

"Who?" Haymitch asked.

"What?" Katniss questioned, suddenly confused.

"You kicked my cat!" Haymitch yelled.

"Da fuck?"

"You KICKED my CAT!" He yelled again.

"I didn't touch your fucki-" Katniss started, only to be cut off.

"YOU KICKED MY CAT! YOU KICKED MY CAT!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Katniss screeched.

"YOU KICKED MY CAT! YOU KICKED MY-" Haymitch continued to yell.

"I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!" Katniss yelled back in a very eerie tone, before continuing in a rougher voice, "I'LL MATERIALIZE THROUGH THIS PHONE AND RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OUT!"

"No need to get violent, sweetheart. Geez."

"...BI-"

Haymitch slammed down the phone, looking over at a very weirded out cat named Buttercup who was stuck in his house for no apparent reason.

"Buttercup. Lock the doors."

* * *

**Feel free to send in requests. Next chapter, Katniss will be calling Haymitch back to give him a piece of her mind...and the dead will be magically revived by a ringing phone. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Note- this chapter has a warning for some sexual-themed humor.**

**I got more reviews on my first chapter than I ever have on a new piece of work (kinda sad.) So, thanks to those who reviewed, and know that I got this chapter up and done really quick for you guys!**

* * *

After locking the doors, Haymitch decided he was rather hungry. "Buttercup. Pizza or pizza?"

The cat stared skeptically.

"Pizza it is!" He rings up the number.

"Hello?"

"Hi. I'd like to order...one sweet and sour pork and a cup of miso soup." The phone rang. "Actually, one minute." He pressed the button for the incoming call. "Hello?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" Katniss's voice said.

"No."

"You'd better- wait, what?" Haymitch hung up, before returning to the pizza lady.

"Where was I?"

* * *

After disappointedly discovering that the Capitol Pizza did not serve Chinese, Haymitch took another swig of his drink, and promply dialed the next person on his call list.

"Johanna? Why the hell is she on my contacts?" He shrugged. "Oh well."

* * *

_~Johanna~_

"Hello?"

"Why, helloooo, I am a rich Capitolite. You were gorgeous in your games. Absolutely gaaaawgeoussss."

"I know I am. Is there something in particular you needed?"

"I need you, Johanna. Come fuck with me."

"I would, but I have this rebellion shit that-"

"No excuses! I want you at my door, clad in only a black thong and bra with a whip in hand!"

"...What the fu- I mean, I'm hot, but-who...?"

"Good girl. You can't see my face, but I'm winking seductively at you."

A click sounded. And in the middle of his drunken stupor, Haymitch laughed. He had barely started. He checked for the next most random contact he had.

"Isn't she dead?" He shrugged. "Oh well."

* * *

_~Clove~_

"What the fuck do you want?"

"HELLO? IS THIS HOLLY? OMG, I'VE GOT SO MU-"

"I'M NOT HOLLY! WHO'S HOLLY?"

"-CH TO TELL YOU! I'M PREGGERS, HOLL! LIKE A WAFFLE! AND HEY, DID YOU EVER NOTICE-"

"GLIMMER? IS THAT YOU?"

"-THAT THE SUN, LIKE, IS BRIGHT AND FIREYYY! I MEAN FOR REALZ, LOOK UP IN THE SKY, HON!"

"You high, bitch?"

"YAH! SO YESTERDAY THIS FREAK FROM ONE WAS ALL LIKE 'GIMME YO MON-AYYY' AND I WAS ALL LIKE 'NAH WAYYYYYY'!'"

"What are you on, Glitter? Crack? Ecstasy?"

"WE SHOULD GO SEE A MOVIE THIS WEEKEND! I HEARD SNOW WHITE WAS OKAY! BUT I THINK IT CAME OUT ONLY YESTERDAY, THE LINES WILL BE MEGA-LONGGGG! WILL IT STILL BE IN THEATERS WHEN WE GET TICKETS?"

"TOTALLY! AND I HOPE SO!"

"LATERZZZZZZZ!"

* * *

He reluctantly put down the wall phone, and picked up his cell. Who didn't have his phone number...? Ah, yes. Perfect. Haymitch typed out a quick text. Now just to wait for his answer...

_~District 3 boy whose name is unknown to me~_

Haymitch: SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN, AND HE DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE!

D3 Boy: Wat?

Haymitch: I'MMA SMACK A HO! I'MMA SMACK YOU DOWN!

D3 Boy: IS THS WAT FATE HAD PLAND 4 ME? RLY, GOD?

Haymitch did not text back.

~ooooo~

And just for fun, decided to call the District 3 boy from the normal phone.

"Hi..?"

"Hello, this is the District 6 Medical Clinic. Mr...Electromagnet?"

"..."

"A patient with STDs at the clinic named you as a recent sexual partner. Would you be willing to-"

"What! Who?"

"Cato."

"No way!"

* * *

_~Cashmere~_

"Who is it?" A very flirtatious voice answered.

"Jewel. Who else?"

"Oh. Well, no offence, but I don't exactly like talking with-"

"...I'mma mess you up, Cashmere."

"What?"

"Do you wanna play a game?"

"Ooh, yay! Can I kill you again?"

"YOU SICK PSYCHOPATHIC FREAK LADY!"

"...what?"

"Hi!"

"Goodbye."

Cashmere hung up.

"That was rude." Haymitch slurred.

* * *

_~Cato~_

"What?" Cato's voice snapped as the phone stopped ringing.

"Want to complete a FREE survey?"

"What do I get?"

"The satisfaction of completing a FREE survey!"

"No thanks..."

"Okay, great! How do you handle a break-up?"

Cato groaned, but answered nontheless. "Kill whoever dumped me."

"Last thing you ate?"

"A snake."

"Are you afraid of spiders?"

"I eat them, too."

"Do you kiss your swords?"

"I always give my silver one with the curved blade and black-and-red leather hilt the best attention."

"Do you dance naked in your room?"

"What kind of question is that? Freak."

"Biggest fear?"

"Nothing."

"Are your fingernails painted?"

"...yeah."

"What color?"

"Hot pink. And Clove and Glimmer helped me put little rhinestone-skulls on them!"

"What's your least favorite number?"

"Twelve."

"Who was the last person you made out with?"

"Someone you know."

"Have you ever randomly asked a gun clerk where the anti-psychotics are after picking up a gun and aiming it at his head?"

"Yes."

"Thank you for your time, sir!"

"Piss off or I kill you."

* * *

_Remember to submit ideas! Thanks to potterheaded-mockingjay-fly-on for the Capitolite/Victor idea and the texting idea. MockingjayKATNISSS, I promise to get your in next chapter! But seriously, for other readers, I need more ideas! I'm running low._


	3. Chapter 3

Haymitch had finally settled down again, a new pack of liquor, a bottle of vodka, and a phone next to him. The next part would be the best.

_~Marvel~_

"Hello, Marvel here." Marvel said.

"Hello, Marvel here." Haymitch replied.

"Haha, very funny."

"Haha, very funny."

"Quit mocking me."

"Quit mocking me."

"You wanna go there, asstard?"

"You wanna go there, asstard?"

"Two can play at that game."

"Two can play at that game."

"Two can play at that game."

"Two can play at that game."

"Two can play at that game."

"Two can play at that game."

Haymitch hung up.

* * *

_~Enobaria~_

"What?" Enobaria snapped.

"Dude." Haymitch replied.

"Yes?"

"What?"

"Make sense or die."

"That's fucking creepy."

"So is your face."

"...OH SNAP. YOU DID _NOT _JUST GO THERE!"

"Bitch. I live there."

"YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, BITCH? I'mma MOTHERFUCKING NINJA!"

"I know where you live, HAYMITCH ABERNATHY!"

Haymitch slammed down the phone.

"Buttercup. Lock everything."

"It's all already locked." Buttercup answered.

"!"

* * *

_~Beetee and Wiress~_

"Hello?" Beetee asked.

"Congratulations, Mr. Beetee! You just won a BRAND NEW CAR!"

"I know." Beetee replied.

"YOU ARE- wait, what?" Haymitch asked, incredulous.

"Wiress told me."

In the background, Wiress's voice could be heard saying, "Ding ding ding!"

* * *

_~Glimmer~_

"Hello?"

"TELL ME WHAT KIND OF CONDITIONER YOU USE ON YOUR LUSTEROUS GOLDEN LOCKS!" Haymitch yelled.

"I'LL NEVER TELL A SOUL!"

"WELL I DON'T HAVE A SOUL, SO _TELL ME!_"

"..."

"...!"

"...dude, shit! What's it like?"

"Cold."

* * *

_~Snow~_

"Hello?" Snow said.

"Hi, um, my name is Psycho Fucker, and I just bombed District 12. I was wondering if you had any suggestions."

"Well, did you leave at least one person alive?"

"Yeah, Katniss Everdeen."

"Should've killed her...but congratulations. You made your first enemy. Now, get to the Capitol as fast as possible."

"Why?"

"Because if not the citizens of the other Districts will come after you with pitchforks and torches. We'll welcome you as a-"

"THEY'D LIGHT ME ON FIRE?"

"No. But fire is necessary. It creates mood."

"Okay...anything else?"

"Mm-hm."

"..."

"..."

"...what?"

"Join my next gamemaker's councel."

"Thank you?"

"Whatever. Piss off, kid, I'm trying to play World of Warcraft."

* * *

_~Male Morphling~_

"Hello?" The District 6 Victor asked.

"QUIT PAINTING YOUR FACE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"MOM?"

* * *

_~Katniss~_

"So...how's the chemistry, Lover Girl? With Peeta."

"...KATNISS!" Prim yelled to her sister.

* * *

_~Seneca Crane~  
_

"I am the Beard Reaper. I destroy you now."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" Seneca screeched. The phone call ended abruptly.

* * *

_~Effie~_

"Hello?" Effie answered perkily.

"Hi."

"...?"

"Girl, pink is _not _your color."

_"WHAT WAS THAT, BITCH?"_

"DON'T GO HULK! I'm just tellin' you cuz I'mma nice person."

"Oh, okay. By the way..."

"Yah?"

"If you insult my hair again, I will pierce your throat with my stilettos."

"..."

* * *

_~Cato~_

"HIYA! 'member me?"

"YOU'RE THAT BITCH WHO PRANK CALLED ME!"

"Bingo! So, hows the wife?"

"I'M GONNA TEAR YOU TO PIECES!"

"Still abusing her? I'm telling you, Cato, you can't do that. They've got people on their side."

"I GOT MAH MOTHERFUCKIN' SWORD, AND MAH ADDRESS BOOK-"

"OMFG I GOT A CALL WAITIN'! TTYL, HON!"

* * *

_Thanks to all the reviews, but I need more ideas! I redid this chapter because SOMEONE was being a bitch and deleted it. (Thanks a lot.)_


	4. Chapter 4

_So, yeah...unfortunately, this is a very short chapter. Anyway, enjoy more random crackishness! (Is that a word?) Don't forget to review me some ideas!_

_~Finnick~_

"Baby...listen, there somethin' I gotta get off my chest." Haymitch said in a very girly voice.

"Annie? Is that you?" Finnick questioned.

"I know about that girl, the one you kissed back in Santa Rico? I'm not stupid, babe, I know you've been cheatin' on me. And with a slut like her? How could-"

"Am I gonna have to go all Victor now?"

"It hurts me to say this, it really does. But you're a cheatin' fucker! We're through!"

"You can't break up with me!"

"Too late to beg, bitch. Maybe if you were better in bed this wouldn't have happened."

"NO! I WON'T LET YOU!"

"SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN!"

"BUT-BUT!"

"BUT WHAT?"

"But I love you..."

"...Babe, do you mean that?"

"With all my heart."

"When you put it that way, then I guess..."

"You guess what?"

"HAHA, BITCH. FOOLED AGAIN. I AIN'T NO IDIOT, ONCE A CHEAT, ALWAYS A CHEAT."

"At least I can get someone willing to cheat with me!"

"YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT COUNT."

"SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME!"

* * *

_~Thresh~_

"Hello sir, is your refrigerator running?"

"It was," Thresh started, "but then I cut off its legs."

"..."

* * *

_~Gale~_

"Hello, this is the Rejection Hotline," Haymitch started. "If you are receiving this call it means that you have been rejected, and therefore, fail at life. Please hold."

"No! KATNISS, HOW COULD YOU!" Gale yelled.

* * *

_~Cinna~_

"Hello, who is this?"

"This is Cinna. Who is speaking?"

"CHUCK! IDK IF I KNOW ANY CHUCKS!"

"I'm not Chuck. I stated very plainly that my name is-"

"HOLD ON, MR. NORRIS, AND BACK UP. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE CALLING PEOPLE AT THREE AM-"

"Who is this? Really."

"YO MOTHERFUCKING GRANNY."

"I'LL SHAVE YOUR HEAD AND TURN YOUR SKIN BLUE IF YOU DON"T TELL ME!"

"_...you sick bastard..."_

"That's my Dad's name. Sorry."

* * *

_~Cato (again) :D~_

"Hello?" Cato asked.

"Hello, _Cato."_

"SAVE ME, GOD!"

* * *

_~Rue~_

"You can't catch me, but I can catch you. You can't see me, but I can see you-"

"Hello?" Rue asked, a bit creeped out.

"-you can't hear me, I can hear you. You can't smell me, I can smell you. You can't-"

"..." Rue hung up the phone.

* * *

_~Coin~_

"HELLO! HOW WAS YOUR DAY!" Haymitch shrieked into the receiver.

"It was decent... who is this?"

"LUNA LOVEGOOD! DO YOU LIKE NARGLES?"

"I'm afraid I really have no idea what that is, Miss Lovegood."

"They are Nargles, what else?"

"Indeed...uhm, Miss Lovegood, have you considered-"

"SPIT IT OUT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"_WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"_

"...bye..."

* * *

_~Katniss~_

"Katniss, sweetheart...do you love me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because that's just sick."


End file.
